[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
You Might Also Like
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”