ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
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Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
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Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY