[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
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“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!