My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
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[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I have a type: disappointing
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
what it’s like dating me:
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader