ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
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[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
knights of the ikea table
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that