Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
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Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
They’re called werewolves.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away