[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
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When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Kids, do not try this at home!
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.