[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
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I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.