My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
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Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.