Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
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A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
🤣could you imagine
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?