{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
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Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Story of my life…..
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Mornin. * use accordingly
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on