If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
You Might Also Like
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.