{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
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Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
crazy
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
britain’s three elite institutions
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.