Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.