Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
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Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
me refusing to leave twitter
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes