ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
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I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.