Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
You Might Also Like
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…