me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
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I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Worst bar ever.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.