Wireless bra? What’s the password?
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The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I feel attacked.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life