Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
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Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!