me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
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“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
is this how new cars are made??
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.