ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
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Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child