*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
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me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.