*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
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[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
the battle rages on
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French