Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
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Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
a badder mouse
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place