Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
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[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.