Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
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hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Sign of the day..
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.