It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
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calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn