Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
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Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
My last name is Zilla.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out