My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
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Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.