ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
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Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.