Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
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People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.