me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
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When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
i can’t wait that long
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave