Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
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They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Nice try Hitler
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.