me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
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If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I WON A HAM TODAY
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Finally
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.