I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
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My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
#merica
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang