Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
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“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
the dark web is just a goth google.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
definitely did not do anything wrong
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing