[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
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I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Nice try, NASA
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.