CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
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*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.