It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
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I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
#StillHurts
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.