Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
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My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on