Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
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“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.