Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
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Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.