Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
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I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Thrilling chase underway
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
The hardest thing Vision has to do
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
if my sleeping schedule was a person