ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
You Might Also Like
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.