ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
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“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded