Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
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taking June’s advice to heart
Nothing to do, you say?
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
What?
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Ice skating is like walking in cursive