Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
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Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.