Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
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DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
your honor my client chooses dare
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
when the buffet is more honest than your date
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.