me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
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If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Okey dokey.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
This dude got his own movie?