me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
You Might Also Like
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Breaking news:
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.